When angry, step away and treat the other person as a circumstance to handle, not an enemy
Reinterpreting an event or taking another perspective can reduce emotional intensity; perspective-taking performed better in the cited analysis. Suppressing the feeling did not help. People who retaliated also dwelled on the offender longer, while those who did not moved on sooner; people overestimated how satisfying revenge would feel.
What it takes
Free. Resist replying immediately, walk away and decide later whether action is needed. This takes practice.
What you may gain
A meta-analysis of 306 experimental comparisons found effect sizes of d=0.36 for cognitive reappraisal, d=0.45 for perspective-taking, d=0.27 for distraction, and d=−0.04 for suppressing feelings. Three revenge experiments found that punishing an offender prolonged rumination, whereas not punishing helped people move on. Anticipated satisfaction from retaliation exceeded what people experienced.
Context & considerations
The meta-analysis measured emotional intensity, not energy, with small-to-moderate effects. Revenge evidence comes from one series of experiments, hence grade B. Zhuangzi's “empty boat” story in The Mountain Tree offers an analogy: the same collision angers you when someone is aboard but not when the boat is empty. It is an analogy, not evidence. For actual harm or loss, use the legal routes in Chapter 8 and Chapter 9, which can cost less than an immediate confrontation.
Research & references
Webb TL, Miles E, Sheeran P (2012). Dealing with feeling: A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600 ; Carlsmith KM, Wilson TD, Gilbert DT (2008). The paradoxical consequences of revenge. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012165